For someone who shies away from any form of emotional exertion, the month signifying my birth, (which was two months ago...) managed to pull the rug from under my feet more than once in since it began, hence the hiatus from blogging.
I constantly found myself negotiating an renegotiating with the universe for just a short "break" for I had completely run out of ammunition to fight any form of battle that was geared at me, i was fatigued.
This further led me to relegate my thought process to the league of que sera sera (whatever will be, will be), what i omitted to do however, was that for it to be, i have to actually be present and active. "The future may not be mine to see" , but being active in your own life at least ensured that the surprises were minimised.
I was having an intimate conversation with one of my dearest on Friday morning, discussing this notion of Que Sera Sera, and i must admit i share her sentiments of believing in it sometimes, but not all the time. Truth is, i only accept it when it is convenient for me and i am fearful of stepping outside of my comfort zone, which is too often. Que sera sera has truly fed monster which is fear in all of us. If i am not certain about the result, am not likely to take the plunge. Why, because i do not like to be caught off guard, it has something to do with a mild condition i have of wanting complete control of what relates to me, unrealistic ? Maybe, but at least the illusion gives me a good nights rest. For now this works, although i am absolutely certain that at some point, the beauty that is life will leave me no choice.
Some will say i am "chicken", i prefer to say i tread cautiously. After all, regardless of what i do, que sera sera. Right ?
Friday, November 14, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
My Spring Day 2008
Spring represents freshness, flowers, more sun less clothes, fun times and most importantly new beginnings as we start to see the flowers bloom and the tree leaves grow back. This year was very different, as we all awoke to a 1st of September 2008, we were greeted by bitter cold weather. It was gloomy and the wind was far from fresh, it was bitterly cold.
I came to work wearing all black and was amused at how cold weather automatically results in fashion taking a dark tone trend. The majority of the office was in black ! Little did i know that at 13h30, those close to Lebo and those whose lives she had touched, would be sent into a shock frenzy. Lebogang Valerie Kgame, has passed on.
When i was informed about her passing, i was heartbroken. I was in pick n' pay trying to buy milk but getting frustrated that i could not find it in the meat section, i felt like i was in a maze. It took me almost an hour trying to navigate through a store that i had been in so many times before, all along trying to back hold back the swelling dam in my eyes because of the torrential storm of emotions consuming my being that was causing it to burst.
All of sudden the sombre mood of my day, which i prematurely thought was because of the weather, made sense. A very special child of the soil of Azania had descended to the heavens, even the sun took time out to mourn. She was a beautiful soul, so peaceful and so kind. As our hearts ache in unison for our earthly loss, the cymbals in heaven are making a joyful sound as they welcome their daughter, our angel back home.
Our hearts will mend, out tears will dry but you my angel, will live forever in our hearts and memories. You dedicated your life to others in this capitalist world we live in, as a councilor and a social worker for childrens welfare. So i dedicate all of my future spring days to your memory. I wish i had called more, took time out to have longer conversations and lingering hugs. But i am comforted knowing that you knew i truly cared.
Robala ka kgotso Lebo, you are missed already. mwah
I came to work wearing all black and was amused at how cold weather automatically results in fashion taking a dark tone trend. The majority of the office was in black ! Little did i know that at 13h30, those close to Lebo and those whose lives she had touched, would be sent into a shock frenzy. Lebogang Valerie Kgame, has passed on.
When i was informed about her passing, i was heartbroken. I was in pick n' pay trying to buy milk but getting frustrated that i could not find it in the meat section, i felt like i was in a maze. It took me almost an hour trying to navigate through a store that i had been in so many times before, all along trying to back hold back the swelling dam in my eyes because of the torrential storm of emotions consuming my being that was causing it to burst.
All of sudden the sombre mood of my day, which i prematurely thought was because of the weather, made sense. A very special child of the soil of Azania had descended to the heavens, even the sun took time out to mourn. She was a beautiful soul, so peaceful and so kind. As our hearts ache in unison for our earthly loss, the cymbals in heaven are making a joyful sound as they welcome their daughter, our angel back home.
Our hearts will mend, out tears will dry but you my angel, will live forever in our hearts and memories. You dedicated your life to others in this capitalist world we live in, as a councilor and a social worker for childrens welfare. So i dedicate all of my future spring days to your memory. I wish i had called more, took time out to have longer conversations and lingering hugs. But i am comforted knowing that you knew i truly cared.
Robala ka kgotso Lebo, you are missed already. mwah
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tomorrow is another day
I read a quote this weekend that was loosely saying that we need to ensure that when we go to bed every evening, we are certain that if we do not awake in the morning we will have no regrets. So all that needed to be done is done and all that needed to be said is said.
I then realised that if i had to die any moment, there would be so many unrealised dreams, so many suppressed feelings, so many "to be continued" episodes in my life that are yet to bring forth a sequel. It is beyond procrastination, it is taking advantage of every breath i am taking because i think i am entitled to more breaths. Am i ?
We leave so many things to the last minute and it almost glorified, how many movies have we watched where the boy/girl only admits their love on their deathbed and one last kiss is shared before the one dies ? what good is that ? Or where a character is diagnosed with a terminal illness then only they go out to fulfill their life long dreams and are completely outspoken and honest about who they are or what they feel ?
I wish i could conclude this blog with a bang about how i am quitting my job today to follow my dream, with interim breaks of travelling through Africa or how i am going to get in my car and drive in your direction to tell YOU how you make me feel but even saying all this out loud i can type another blog completely edited by my practical side with all the possible repercussions of my "would be" actions. Battle of the head and heart, and in my world the head always wins.
I then realised that if i had to die any moment, there would be so many unrealised dreams, so many suppressed feelings, so many "to be continued" episodes in my life that are yet to bring forth a sequel. It is beyond procrastination, it is taking advantage of every breath i am taking because i think i am entitled to more breaths. Am i ?
We leave so many things to the last minute and it almost glorified, how many movies have we watched where the boy/girl only admits their love on their deathbed and one last kiss is shared before the one dies ? what good is that ? Or where a character is diagnosed with a terminal illness then only they go out to fulfill their life long dreams and are completely outspoken and honest about who they are or what they feel ?
I wish i could conclude this blog with a bang about how i am quitting my job today to follow my dream, with interim breaks of travelling through Africa or how i am going to get in my car and drive in your direction to tell YOU how you make me feel but even saying all this out loud i can type another blog completely edited by my practical side with all the possible repercussions of my "would be" actions. Battle of the head and heart, and in my world the head always wins.
Monday, August 18, 2008
In Honour
My initial vision for my past weekend was to try and be still long enough to get clarity on sometimes the very noisy clutter in my head. Vision - not fully realised, I did not have the time to be still :(
So instead i have decided to dedicate this blog to the beautiful women in my life, my grandmothers, my mother, my aunts, my sisters and my girlfriends (who all embody such HOTNESS) !!!!
Through the madness, the noise, the dissapointments and sporadic confusions that may consume me at times, i do not need to look far to be reminded that i am blessed purely by the beings that are in my life. They all represent Strength, Beauty, Compassion, Trust, Wisdom, Patience and Grace. They are the personification of LOVE ! I hope you all continue to be the extraordinary beings you are. I am humbled by your choice to be in my life, mwah !
So instead i have decided to dedicate this blog to the beautiful women in my life, my grandmothers, my mother, my aunts, my sisters and my girlfriends (who all embody such HOTNESS) !!!!
Through the madness, the noise, the dissapointments and sporadic confusions that may consume me at times, i do not need to look far to be reminded that i am blessed purely by the beings that are in my life. They all represent Strength, Beauty, Compassion, Trust, Wisdom, Patience and Grace. They are the personification of LOVE ! I hope you all continue to be the extraordinary beings you are. I am humbled by your choice to be in my life, mwah !
Friday, August 15, 2008
my first time
This is my first blog, and hopefully after a thorough thought process this weekend, coupled with prayer and just being still, i am about to experience more firsts in the coming months. Til i share again....
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