Que sera sera

For someone who shies away from any form of emotional exertion, the month signifying my birth, (which was two months ago...) managed to pull the rug from under my feet more than once in since it began, hence the hiatus from blogging.
I constantly found myself negotiating an renegotiating with the universe for just a short "break" for I had completely run out of ammunition to fight any form of battle that was geared at me, i was fatigued.

This further led me to relegate my thought process to the league of que sera sera (whatever will be, will be), what i omitted to do however, was that for it to be, i have to actually be present and active. "The future may not be mine to see" , but being active in your own life at least ensured that the surprises were minimised.

I was having an intimate conversation with one of my dearest on Friday morning, discussing this notion of Que Sera Sera, and i must admit i share her sentiments of believing in it sometimes, but not all the time. Truth is, i only accept it when it is convenient for me and i am fearful of stepping outside of my comfort zone, which is too often. Que sera sera has truly fed monster which is fear in all of us. If i am not certain about the result, am not likely to take the plunge. Why, because i do not like to be caught off guard, it has something to do with a mild condition i have of wanting complete control of what relates to me, unrealistic ? Maybe, but at least the illusion gives me a good nights rest. For now this works, although i am absolutely certain that at some point, the beauty that is life will leave me no choice.

Some will say i am "chicken", i prefer to say i tread cautiously. After all, regardless of what i do, que sera sera. Right ?